The God Who Meets Us In The Middle: Between Who You Were & Who You Are Becoming

“And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.” — John Steinbeck

“Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel.” — Genesis 32:28

Jacob spent much of his life trying to become somebody.

His very name was associated with grasping.

He grasped his brother's heel at birth.

He grasped for Esau's birthright.

He grasped for his father's blessing.

He manipulated.

He schemed.

He ran.

And then one night, beside the Jabbok River, Jacob wrestled with a mysterious stranger.

Genesis never makes it entirely clear whether Jacob is wrestling with a man, an angel, or God.

Maybe that's appropriate.

Some of the most important struggles of our lives are difficult to name.

Jacob wrestles all night.

And when morning comes, he receives a new name.

Israel.

But here's the part of the story I find fascinating.

Jacob doesn't walk away untouched.

He limps.

He receives a new identity and a wound at the same time.

Many years ago, I was on a mission trip with a bunch of Middle Schoolers in Nashville, TN.  

As part of the trip, we were going to do ministry in a park that was frequented by drug dealers. 

I know, it sounds super safe. 

At any rate, I was going through an existential crisis during that trip.  I was in seminary, but I had no clue whether I was supposed to be a pastor.  

I felt unworthy, inadequate and firmly stuck in the middle. 

So, sitting on the floor of the church sponsoring the day's events, I began wrestling with God. 

I imagined myself as Jacob, wrestling and refusing to let go. 

"I'm not letting go until you bless me," I repeated in anguish.  

All of a sudden, I felt a hand on my shoulder.  It was the church pastor.  

"I don't know why, but I feel like you need to know this," he said to me. 

"You are beloved.  You are blessed.  Rest now."  

I can't tell you how that felt inside to hear those words. 

But I didn't walk away unscathed.  

I walked with a limp after that when began to understand who I was, and what God was doing to change me. 

I was humbled, broken, and filled with the knowledge that without God, I was nothing.  

That's often how transformation works.

We imagine becoming someone new means leaving the old person completely behind.\

But our lives aren't that tidy.

We carry pieces of who we've been into who we're becoming.

Wisdom.

Scars.

Memories.

Mistakes.

Lessons.

Grace.

Some seasons, we don't quite recognize ourselves.

Something that once mattered deeply no longer does.

An old identity no longer fits.

Beliefs we once held with certainty have become more complicated.

A role we've played for years ends.

And the new version of ourselves hasn't fully emerged.

We find ourselves somewhere in between.

Who am I now?

Jacob walked into the night as one person and emerged as someone else.

But a long night of wrestling came in between.

Maybe you are in one of those nights.

Don't rush it.

Something holy may be happening there.

God isn't asking you to erase who you've been.

God may be transforming everything you've lived through into who you're becoming.

And yes, you might walk differently afterward.

That's okay.

Sometimes the limp shows you've wrestled with something real.

God isn't finished with you. And becoming who you are meant to be may require letting go of who you thought you had to be.

May it be so for us all, and may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with us, now and forever. Amen.  

Prayer

God who knows my true name, meet me in the places where I am changing. Help me release identities that no longer give life without rejecting the person I have been. Use my joys, failures, wounds, and wisdom to shape who I am becoming. Give me courage to keep wrestling until something new is born. Amen.

Reflection Questions

1. In what ways are you different from the person you were five or ten years ago?
2. Is there an identity, role, belief, or expectation you may be outgrowing?
3. Who do you sense God inviting you to become?