Relationships That Give Life

 

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” —Henri Nouwen

Scripture: John 15:9–17; Mark 1:35–38

Years ago, I facilitated a study at the church I was serving on creating and maintaining healthy boundaries using the work of Dr. Henry Cloud, who has written extensively on the topic.  

As I worked through the leader guide and class materials, it quickly became apparent that I needed the lessons more than anyone else in the room.  

There is a great quote from Henry Cloud that began my journey toward creating better boundaries: 

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where i end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. 

I have to admit, creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is something I have to work on all of the time.  Every once in a while, I need a reminder of the lesson good boundaries can teach. 

I also need to look to Jesus as an example and ask, "What would Jesus do?" when I am figuring out what healthy boundaries truly look like.  

Jesus loved people deeply.

But Jesus also had healthy boundaries when it came to relationships.

That's an important distinction.

Jesus had crowds around him wherever he went, but only twelve disciples who traveled with him, and an even smaller circle of close companions. 

He regularly withdrew from people to pray. Sometimes he walked away from demands placed upon him. 

That can teach us something important about relationships.

Christian love does not mean maintaining every relationship at any cost.

Some relationships give life.

They encourage us.

Challenge us honestly.

Allow us to be ourselves.

Respect boundaries.

Celebrate our growth.

Help us become more loving, hopeful, courageous, and whole.

Other relationships consistently diminish us.

They manipulate.

Control.

Belittle.

Use guilt.

Demand without giving.

Or they continually draw us toward unhealthy patterns.

Jesus commands us to love people. But love and unlimited access are not the same thing.

Sometimes the loving thing is reconciliation.

Sometimes it is forgiveness.

Sometimes it is an honest conversation.

And sometimes love requires a boundary.

Jesus tells his disciples, “Love one another as I have loved you.” Healthy Christian relationships should therefore begin to resemble the love of Christ—truthful, gracious, generous, freeing, and life-giving.

So perhaps another practical way to ask What would Jesus do? is to look carefully at our relationships.

Who helps me become the person God is calling me to be?

Who needs more of my attention?

Where do I need to apologize?

Where do I need to forgive?

Where do I need to say no?

And what kind of person am I in the relationships that matter most?

Because this question isn't only about evaluating others.

It's also about examining ourselves.

Do people experience grace, honesty, encouragement, safety, and love when they are with us?

The goal isn't simply to find life-giving relationships.

It is to become someone who gives life to others.

Prayer

Jesus, thank you for the people who bring love and joy into my life. Give me wisdom in my relationships, courage to establish healthy boundaries when needed, humility to recognize where I need to change, and grace to become a life-giving presence to others. Amen.

Reflection Questions

1. Which relationships in my life consistently help me become more loving, hopeful, and whole?
2. Is there a relationship where Jesus may be inviting me to establish a healthier boundary?
3. What do the people closest to me experience when they are in relationship with me?