Practicing Gentle Grace With Ourselves

For years of my life, I had an inner voice that spoke to me like a bad recording of the worst song ever written, played at half speed just to make it even more creepy and awful.  

The voice would say things like, "I hate myself," "You're such an idiot," "Look what you did," and sometimes, when things were really bad, the voice would speak with mock longing about what my life could be by saying, "Don't you wish...?"  

When I was alone, the voice would speak out loud through me, so I could hear it.  And it never shut up.  It was a constant companion that I could never be rid of, no matter how hard I tried.  

I'm happy to say that the voice of my inner critic has grown mostly silent over the past couple of years, and only occasionally resurfaces.  When it does, I have learned to acknowledge it, and then dismiss it with extreme prejudice.  

It's not an easy thing to silence that nasty voice inside us that wants to remind us we aren't as we ought to be.  It takes a certain kind of gentleness with ourselves that is more difficult than we might imagine.  

Brennan Manning once wrote:  

“As we come to grips with our own selfishness and stupidity, we make friends with the impostor and accept that we are impoverished and broken and realize that, if we were not, we would be God. The art of gentleness toward ourselves leads to being gentle with others -- and is a natural prerequisite for our presence to God in prayer.”

There is deep wisdom in these words. As I mentioned, many of us live with an inner critic that never rests—constantly pointing out our shortcomings, rehearsing our failures, and whispering that we are not enough. 

Manning reminds us that the journey toward gentleness begins not with perfection, but with honest acceptance of our humanity. When we can acknowledge our flaws without shame—when we can “make friends with the impostor”—we begin to live out of compassion rather than condemnation.

Scripture echoes this truth. The psalmist says, “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love” (Psalm 103:8). If God treats us this way, why are we so reluctant to treat ourselves with the same kindness? 

Jesus himself declared, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5). Gentleness, or meekness, is not weakness—it is strength under control, grounded in love. It is the posture of those who understand that God’s mercy is bigger than their mistakes.

When we practice gentleness toward ourselves, something within us shifts. The edges of our hearts soften. Our reactions to others become less defensive, less judgmental. We begin to see the image of God not only in ourselves but in those around us. 

The apostle Paul urged, “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near” (Philippians 4:5). Gentleness flows naturally from those who have tasted God’s nearness and grace.

So today, let us practice that “art of gentleness” Manning describes. Speak to yourself as you would to a beloved friend. Offer grace where shame once ruled. As you do, that same tenderness will spill into your words, your work, and your relationships. Gentleness toward yourself becomes the seed of gentleness toward the world.

Prayer:
Loving God, teach me to be gentle with myself. When I stumble, remind me of your mercy. When I am harsh toward my own heart, whisper again that I am your beloved. May your grace soften my spirit so that I may be gentle and kind to others as you are with me. Amen.

Reflection Questions:

1. In what areas of your life do you struggle to offer yourself gentleness and grace?

2. How has self-compassion (or the lack of it) affected your relationships with others?

3. What might it look like today to “make friends with the impostor” within you?